evil is right if u think its dumb and retarded than just ignore it.

I didnt mean to be mean. I guess I'm lazy... the topic shows new msgs and I get sad when it's only this thread. Maybe I should just read it since I'm pretty bored here at work.

dude... i posted allot of threads through out this whole forum, maybe u should check them out...

Hence a new totaly different form of form "drauma" has begun.

Ok back on topic here.

I've recently realized why I feel I need a girlfriend.
I need a girlfriend to counter-act the shitty feeling my dad gives me on a daily basis.

For example: Just earlier he called me downstairs and started bitching about me leaving garbage sitting on the counter (which isn't a wrong thing to complain about) and not emptying the garbage can when it's full (again, not wrong to complain about). The problem is, however, the way he goes about doing this (as he does anything else).
He get's all smartass and treats me like I have some sort of mental disorder. He was like "let's see... this is garbage," picking up some garbage and throwing it in the can then continuing on with this for every peice of garbage he picks up. "This is garbage, this is garbage, this is garbage, this is garbage, this is garbage..." and so on until I just want to crack his skull wide upen with a hammer. He's always so f***ing bitter about everything and never shows a shred of compassion.
He is nice sometimes, but only when it's convenient for him, never when someone wants or needs it. Every time I do something wrong he either rolls his eyes like I'm a mother****ing idiot, or makes some smartass comment.

Also, when I'm doing something for him or helping him, If I take too long or I'm doing it wrong, he doesn't try to help me understand what I'm doing wrong (often), no he just rolls his eyes, takes over, and finishes it himself like I'm inferior or something.

Finally, and most annoying of all is what he does if I forget to do something or leave the workplace prematurely.
He doesn't come inside and say "get your ass out here, were not done!", no.... he just keeps on going without saying a word, as if I was never helping him at all, then comes in later and gives me a smartass "Thanx for your help,".
An example of this was one time he told me and my brother to mow the lawn tommorrow, and we said ok. The next day we forgot about it, and all of the sudden we heard a mower running outside. My first words were "That mother****er! What the hell!?!". He was just chugging along, acting as if he had never even talked to us the day before.

Plain and simple....

HE PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH SOMETIMES I WUNNA EXPLODE!

It's like I'm a failure to him, but he doesn't say it, he torchers me with all these gestures and such until I just can't take it anymore. And he wonders why I don't want to spend time with him.
I can be having an absolutely WONDERFUL day, then he has one of his episodes, and in less than 30 seconds I'm scraping rock bottom again (it's happened before).

He's not abusive, he's not always angry and yelling or anything, he's just an absolute phychological terror!
I mean, he's my dad, I don't hate him and I want to make him proud, but he's always bringing me down.

I need a girlfriend... BAD. I wasn't even the one to say it first, it was one of my close friends. Well, actually, first he said "Man, I bet if you got laid you would be a totally different person,", then later on he said "Dude, you really need a girlfriend,". I realize now that it really isn't a want anymore, It's much closer to a need. I need a girl to be there for me, appreciate me, and make me feel like I'm not a nobody. I need something to help raise my self-esteem.

Since I graduated high school all my close friends are getting farther and farther away (one moved to another state recently, he got some big corprate tech job, lucky bastard).

I mean, do you know what it's like to be turning 20 this month, still not having a girl (never even having a date), not earning enough money to move out of your overbearing dad's house, having to pay your own way through college (with a student loan, of corse), watching all your friends getting better jobs and having long-time relationships, and to top ot all off watching the seemingly semi-retarted (not confirmed, but he sure seems to be, even my parents agree) guy from your church who you've known almost your entire life get a girlfriend before you do?

Do you know what that's like!?!

Now you know why I seemingly obsess over Shanna (yes I'm going to talk about her again), because for once in my life I find a girl who loves me for who I am, doesn't mind that I'm shy, makes me feel more amazing than I've ever felt in my entire life, and I just sit there and watch her walk away!

i JUST WATCHED HER WALK THE F**K AWAY!

GOD! I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH!!!!!

And now I'm fighting back tears just writing this... just typing on a damn keyboard..... what the hell is wrong with me?......... 'rubs eyes'

GOD, SHANNA I MISS YOU SO F***ING MUCH......

'rubs eyes again'

come back.... for the love of God come back....




so there you go, digest THAT..... 'snif'

(NONE OF THIS WAS AN ACT, I REALLY WAS BREAKING DOWN WHEN I WROTE THIS, AND I KINDA STILL AM..... IF ANY OF YOU MAKE FUN OF THIS IN ANY WAY OR DON'T TAKE WHAT I JUST WROTE SERIOUSLY BY POSTING SOME SMARTASS REMARK, THEN I'M GOING TO RESIGN AS A MOD AND LEAVE THESE FORUMS FOR GOOD.... I'M DEAD SERIOUS, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR ANY CRAP, SO DON'T F***ING PUSH ME)

Muska, out.

u should listen to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nfHJR9U3XQ
listen to his lyrics,

Wow dude, just wow..... thank you so much for that man, I needed it.

Guess your not as insensative as I though you were.

I'm favoriting that for sure!

and now for some more personal thoughts on my situation....

I'm starting to agree with what Dragon said earlier on....



If she really is in love with me, then I imagine she is going to keep trying until she gets an answer. I can't just give up now that I don't see her anymore, but on the other hand I can't really do anything now but wait for another opportunity. I just need to build up my self-confidence by other means and keep telling myself she is going to come back. I think back on my recent encounter, and I realize that the main reason I was caught so off-guards was because I had just gotten done giving up on her a week prior (after sulking over it for about 3 weeks). I saw her and my mind exploded.... it was firing off so much I couldn't keep up.... "What? I thought she was.... why is she?.... what do I?....". I mean everything came rushing back and I was just unprepared.

It was like getting out of a math class for the weekend, getting hammered, then coming back on Monday only to find you had a pop-quiz waiting for you. It's that exact same feeling (only with a surge of emotion thrown in), the feeling that you have no idea what your doing, and even though you understood it perfectly on Friday, it's all gone by now.

I think if we are truely meant to be, then our paths will cross again in the future. I mean, if she can still be interested after an entire month, within which she had someone in her family pass away, then.... well WOW.
I mean, I thought that I was being stupid holding on to the memory of her for so long, but I guess she was (and might still be) doing the exact same thing. Maybe in another month or so I'll walk in, she'll be there, and I'll be able to say "Hi," and talk to her for a while. Cuz it feels like a part of me is gone... I look at other girls and don't even feel the same way I did looking at them before. I used to be like "Man, she's freaking hot!", now I'm like "She's hot... but meh, who cares anyway...". It's like I'm not even myself anymore, I feel incomplete. I've even stopped making videos, my passion. At work before, my coworkers would ask me why I'm so quiet, now they keep asking me what's wrong.

I'm going to see her again, I just know it.
I dunno how, I dunno when, I just know.
Sometime in the future were going to be right there in front of each other, face to face again.... and this time, I'm going to do it right.

Mini-UPDATE
---------------

I was mowing the lawn earlier, and when I went inside to take a rest and eat lunch, I noticed my phone had a missed call from an unknown number.
I looked at it, and.... well, I didn't reconize the number....yeah, no duh.
Well I called the number back before I left for work..... and I got the machine. The person on the answering machine sounded like an older woman, but that didn't matter, cuz Shanna lives with her parents, and I've never met them before, so there's still hope. I just left a message saying that I got a call from that number, and that if it was someone I knew that called, for them to call me back, but if it was a wrong number, to just ignore this. Now if I know her well enough, I can safely assume that she will be working some kind of evening/night shift somewhere, and once she gets the message it will be too late for her to call (not really though, I typically stay up past midnight every night), and she'll have to call tommorrow.

So that's what I'm waiting for at this point.

If I get a call back I'll find out if it was her or not (might be someone else, I dunno), but if I don't get a call back it will most-likely have been a wrong number.
All I know is SOME GIRL has DEFINATELY been trying to get a hold of me, I just don't know who yet.

Alright, I'm on my first step to recovery from this whole fiasco.

There's a girl in my writing class named Kayla who I recently realized likes me. I stumbled upon this two classes ago.
It was a day we were told we HAD to be there, and for some reason there were only a handful of us (I guess the others got confused because the teacher had said we didn't have to be there the class before that).
The whole deal that day was we were to bring two rough copies of our final essay, trade it with two other classmates, then do a peer review of the two papers we received. We were told to get into small groups (which was ironic, cuz there were only enough people there to make 2 groups of 4). As soon as the teacher told us this I started looking around to see who was going where before moving (mostly because there was one empty seat between me and the rest of the classmates on my side of the room, and I kinda figured someone would just fill that spot). I watched, and the woman next to me moved to the other side of the room, and then the girl at the far left end (4-5 chairs away from me) got up and sat down right next to me, filling the empty seat. She then immediately looked at me, giggled a little, and then with a grin on her face said "Well, here!", almost excitedly handing me her paper. Fairly suprised, I said "Ok," and we swapped papers. Time passed, everyone writing away, class neared it's end, and me & her were the only ones still writing (everyone else started leaving by then). I finished up, glanced up, and she was still writing away.
She laughed a little bit, and told the teacher she was almost finished. We then started talking a little. She started complimenting my paper, telling me she really liked it, and said she couldn't find anything wrong with it. We talked and laughed a little bit, then both of us headed out. I, as I always do, held the door for her on the way out, and she propmtly thanked me.

Here's where I'm going with this. I noticed that we both have to walk the exact same direction in order to get to our cars (some others go a completely different direction, but me and her are walking almost side-by-side most of the way to our cars). I'm thinking after our next class together, I'll catch her on the way to her car and ask her if she's seeing anyone. If she says yes, then I just say ok, and continue to my car, no big deal. If she says no, however, I'll ask her if she want's to go catch a movie in a couple days (I'm already planning on going to see "Hot Fuzz" with somebody on or around my birthday). My mom (yes my mom) advised me to try and date other people, even if I meet up with Shanna again, to build up my confidence, and this feels right. She's pretty hot too, on par looks-wise with Shanna, just in a different way. The way I see it, I need to learn to ask someone out sooner or later, so what a better time than now.

Alright guys, this is it.

I realize that I should stop scribbling down every singe personal problem I have (expecially since spilling my guts only seems to further my depression, essentially pushing me backwards).

Yes, I did recently take my issues to an actual dating forum, and I was told the same thing Diane told me, that I needed to stop being so analytical, as it has already destroyed one potential relationship.

As of this moment I am going to shut this thread down, and I promise I will stop talking about Shanna every chance I get (that includes in threads other than this). Whatever happens happens, and if she doesn't come back, I don't need to let it destroy my life.

I'm sorry for spamming you guys with all my crap, and thank you for gritting your teeth and not telling me off like you really should have, I appreciate that.

THREAD LOCKED.